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7:00CH 11

The TV Guide

Cartoons at breakfast, game shows after lunch, infomercials all afternoon and the fine print read aloud in the small hours. Pull up a beanbag.

A cartoon fried egg

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Checking your clock…

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Saturday

Late night

12:00

Papain (Repeat)CH 7How-toExplained by a man in a cardigan. A protease that comes from papaya.

1:00

Downtown (Repeat)CH 6TravelFilmed on location. The colon. Where most gut microbes live. They ferment fibre into short-chain fatty acids (and gas).

2:00

The fine print (Repeat)CH 9Public noticeThe fine print, read slowly and in full by the overnight announcer.

3:00

No. 18 Adaptogen Vitality Gummies (Repeat)CH 5InfomercialAdaptogen Vitality Gummies turns slowly on a lazy Susan. 30 gummies. The phones are not open.

4:00

Gass (Repeat)CH 2TalkGass, Lactobacillus gasseri, in conversation. The goggles are for safety. The clipboard is for pronunciation.

5:00

No. 19 Colostrum Powder (Repeat)CH 5InfomercialColostrum Powder turns slowly on a lazy Susan. 69 g. Operators are not standing by.

Morning

6:00

Fibre (Repeat)CH 8CookingLive from the buffet. The parts of plants your own enzymes can’t cut. Some of it feeds the crew; some just keeps things moving.

6:30

No. 20 Collagen Peptides (Repeat)CH 5InfomercialCollagen Peptides turns slowly on a lazy Susan. 280 g. No number appears on screen.

7:00

The TV GuideCH 11ListingsA program about reading the program. You are watching it now.

7:30

Channel GGCH 1Station identThe test pattern, the theme and this morning’s lineup. Start here.

8:00

Meet the CrewCH 2TalkThe crew introduce themselves. Nobody interrupts. Biff tries.

8:30

Saturday Morning LessonsCH 3CartoonsFive-second cartoons about what your gut gets up to all day. Back to back. Bring cereal.

Also at 8:30Ep. 1: Spore WarsCH 3CartoonHow Sporty rides out the stomach acid.

8:45

Ep. 4: Snip Snip HoorayCH 3CartoonProteases cut protein down to size.

9:00

The MapCH 6TravelFilmed on location. Ride the gut from Chomp Station to Downtown and get your passport stamped at every stop.

Also at 9:00Ep. 2: The Inulin BuffetCH 3CartoonHow prebiotics feed the crew.

9:15

The Tool KitCH 7How-toExplained by a man in a cardigan. Enzymes that snip, chip, slice and pop, plus bile, the soap. Grab one and cut something.

Also at 9:15Ep. 5: Milk RunCH 3CartoonLactase pops milk sugar in two.

9:30

Ep. 3: The Great Fat SplitCH 3CartoonBile and lipase, the two-step.

9:45

The BuffetCH 8CookingLive from the buffet. Prebiotics and fibre: food your tools can’t cut, served to the crew Downtown.

Also at 9:45Ep. 6: Bean There, Done ThatCH 3CartoonThe wrench, the beans and one polite cloud.

10:00

The ArcadeCH 4Game showGames that teach. Insert no coins.

10:15

Ep. 7: The Name GameCH 3CartoonSame crew, new name tags.

10:30

The Toy AisleCH 5ShoppingGut goodies for grown-ups stand very, very still on their shelves.

10:45

A Word from Our SponsorsCH 12AdsJingles from 1975 for goodies from now. Hum along.

Also at 10:45Ep. 8: Pickles Makes PicklesCH 3CartoonWhere the sour in sauerkraut comes from.

11:00

The GlossaryCH 10Spelling beeGut words from A to Z, read slowly by a host in a very wide tie.

11:15

The Sticker BookCH 13HobbiesCollectors’ corner. Peel, stick, repeat.

Also at 11:15Ep. 9: The Wall CrewCH 3CartoonThe lining that rebuilds itself.

11:30

The StationCH 9DocumentaryWho runs this channel, and why it broadcasts from inside your gut.

11:45

Ep. 10: Villi VanilliCH 3CartoonThe small intestine’s dance floor.

Afternoon

12:00

Ep. 11: 38 Trillion RoommatesCH 3CartoonMeet the neighbours Downtown.

12:15

Ep. 12: Second Brain FMCH 3CartoonThe gut’s own nervous system, live on air.

12:30

The Season PassCH 14DramaA parcel turns up every month. Nobody is surprised. Everybody is delighted.

1:00

The SoundboardCH 4Game showEvery SNIP, CLUNK and BLOOP on the channel. Press responsibly.

1:30

BileCH 7How-toExplained by a man in a cardigan. Your body’s own soap. Breaks fat into droplets for lipase.

2:00

Second Brain FMCH 6TravelFilmed on location. The enteric nervous system. The gut’s own nervous system: hundreds of millions of neurons, on the air all day.

2:30

No. 21 Collagen Peptides ChocolateCH 5InfomercialCollagen Peptides Chocolate turns slowly on a lazy Susan. 378 g. There is no music.

3:00

DJ VagusCH 2TalkDJ Vagus, Nervus vagus, in conversation. He doesn’t take requests. Nobody tells a gut what to play.

3:30

No. 22 Collagen Creamer VanillaCH 5InfomercialCollagen Creamer Vanilla turns slowly on a lazy Susan. 240 g. The camera does not move.

4:00

Starter crewsCH 5Ensemble comedyGoodies that work better as a team, sharing one very small stage.

4:30

Ace & DeuceCH 2TalkAce & Deuce, Lactobacillus acidophilus, in conversation. Ace is the one on the left. Or the right. They swap when nobody’s looking.

5:00

The CrewCH 5ShoppingA long, slow pan along The Crew. Probiotics. The cast, bottled.

5:30

Chomp StationCH 6TravelFilmed on location. The mouth. Where every bite boards. Teeth, saliva and the first tool on the job.

Evening

6:00

ProteaseCH 7How-toExplained by a man in a cardigan. Snips proteins into amino acids.

7:00

Lunch RushCH 4Game showLunch is served. Somebody has to do the dishes.

8:00

The KitchenCH 5ShoppingA long, slow pan along The Kitchen. Enzymes, vinegar and bile: the tools.

9:00

BiffCH 2TalkBiff, Bifidobacterium bifidum, in conversation. Biff does not actually own a fork. He ferments.

10:00

The GardenCH 5ShoppingA long, slow pan along The Garden. Whole-food powders and capsules.

11:00

InulinCH 8CookingLive from the buffet. A chain of fructose beads. Ours comes from Jerusalem artichoke root.

Coming up next on Channel GG

A Word from Our Sponsors

Jingles, slogans and a very calm announcer. Stay through the break.